And It Goes On

Not really any pressing news here. For a homebody like myself, COVID hasn't changed the routine all that much.

Have been on kick of getting my habits in order. For 49 days I kept a couple of index cards of habits I wanted to work on (exercise, only eating sweets once a week, sleeping without any devices around me) and I would cross them off every day. Half of them fell to the wayside (sweets got me early on, haha), but the other half (exercise, flossing, meditating, etc.) show numerous X's...showing I was committed.

Now I floss out of habit. Pretty amazing, huh?

I've started another set of index cards to continue building these routines. The intention is that they'll become so ingrained in my life, I won't have to think twice about doing them.

Meditation has been interesting. Have been doing an array of different types every day--this patchwork quilt of practices would probably be frowned on by any teacher, haha.

I had, at some point, an experience that has been the whole object of meditation for a while now, where one sees "the self", or what is thought of, at least conventionally, as the self, as an illusion. Some people call this the awakening experience (an unnecessarily fanciful term!), or stream entry, though it's tough to say for sure since it's something that can only be verified over time. Regardless, just having the glimpse was so interesting. And funny. It was realizing one has carried around "the self" on one's back one's entire life, when it is entirely not needed to live life. I could not stop laughing the night of that particular "glimpse".

After that, everything began unfolding like people said it would. Life just happens. And without the "I" saying "what about me, me, me, me" incessantly in the background. There was more stuff that happened but I can't quite describe it without sounding like a maniac.

One of the meditation practices that pointed the way has been a method called "direct inquiry", where one is asked a specific question. The meditation follows from there. Loch Kelly is an instructor who teaches one type of inquiry. This is one of his guided meditations, which has helped some people  experience a "glimpse" of the nature of what some call the "true self", without the problem-solving "I" constantly in the way.  https://insighttimer.com/lochkelly/guided-meditations/no-problem-to-solve.

Sikhs Inspiring Again

I have complained earlier about being an Asian person in the time of the virus. I have complained about being mistaken for Chinese, while not being Chinese myself.

Recently, I watched this clip from the Daily Show, about Sikhs being mistaken for Muslims. Individual Sikhs have sadly been attacked and killed ever since 9-11. Of course, the irony in this historically Sikhs and Muslims have battled against each other in the past, and Sikhs have also been targeted by Islamic terrorist groups.

Despite that fact, they are not overly invested in trying to distinguish themselves from Muslims to escape Islamaphobia. They refuse to "throw Muslims under the bus." This clip is meant to be comedy, but Sikhs are often like this in real life. It's shown me how I want to approach things in the future when it comes to issues like this one.

https://youtu.be/RskvZgc_s9g?t=228

"Even if it means things are harder for us, we believe it's the right thing to do."

What I'm Up To

These days I'm just trying to keep up good habits, and work on decreasing old ones.

Among those habits is a mantra meditation session in the morning. I have no idea what it's supposed to "do", but I'm committed to doing it at least a month since I've been told not to expect overnight magic. My throat gets pretty tired after repeating "om mani padme hum" after 30 minutes. There is a moment after my sessions when I feel "different", but it quickly disappears when I resume my daily activities. Perhaps this is why people become actual monks. It's very hard to maintain a certain level of awareness while engaged in the normal layperson's life.

Another thing I'm doing is trying dream yoga, based on trying to do something else outside of browsing my phone every night. The addiction got pretty bad as I've been obsessed with virus news. I figured I would try to make sleep more interesting, so I got a book on Dream Yoga. Observations:

1. As soon as I stopped looking at my phone every night before bed, I started remembering my dreams again.
2. My first dream after picking up the book was one where I was dating some random man. Except in my dream, I could not remember the man's name. So I went through a file cabinet trying to suss out what his name was, too ashamed to ask him directly. He ended up catching me in the act, and I made up some lie about needing to find an old resume. If this sounds familiar, it was because it was a plot almost straight out of a Seinfeld episode. When sleeping, I apparently just copy the plots of television shows. 

Sikhs in NY prepare over 30K free meals during the pandemic

https://www.upworthy.com/sikhs-prepare-meals-for-quarantined

I lived with a Sikh family briefly many years ago. They were kind and generous, often inviting me to dinner. Most people who know Sikhs say they are gentle and upstanding without exception.

What little I know of their religion is that they study a book written by their saints and founders several hundred years ago. This holy scripture, known as the Guru Granth Sahib, is considered the authority on their religion. Sikhs do not have people they consider priests or gurus per se--all humans, Sikh or not, are considered equal and no one holds authority over another. All people reflect, or have within them, godliness, or the potential for it.

Serving others (sewa) is a central practice of their religion. Their temples regularly provide food for anybody who is hungry, Sikhi or not.

During this pandemic, it's always inspiring to hear about people doing good!

No Man's Land

As an Asian American living in the U.S., it's a real strange time to exist right now. And if you've been critical of both the Chinese government and Trump, it's like there is no place for you. You get accused of being unpatriotic towards the U.S. or racist against the Chinese. This is both funny and sad, and indicative that people can no longer seem to have a nuanced opinion on things because people are so hell-bent on sticking you in some sort of category, or ideological tribe. But maybe this is just online culture. I sure hope so!

In day to day life, you'll see that people are visibly afraid or wary of you. I had one cashier look like she nearly had a heart attack when I approached her line. I felt so bad I wanted to turn around and go to a different one, but not sure which cashier would have reacted differently. Should I have held up my hands and said "I come in peace...without Corona?" Which is funny because I've probably travelled less than the average American.

If you're an Asian in a place with low diversity, you'll feel a little like a pariah right now. There have been plenty of reports around the world where violence has broken out against Asians. Recently some guy stabbed an Asian-looking man and his kid, who couldn't have been more than 8 or 9, in Texas, inside of a store.

In sum, if you're Asian, you may feel more concerned with getting harassed (or attacked on public transportation) than getting the actual virus, though that's a concern too.

The irritating thing is that I (along with many other Asians) have been super critical of the Chinese government, both now and in the past. Many of their government's questionable policies have affected the rest of the world, including my own country of origin (I'm not Chinese), and of course there is the issue of the policies they inflict against their own people. So when Trump says this is a "Chinese virus", I understand because I know he's saying it in part to deflect the vile accusations going around that the virus is actually American in origin. On the other hand, when Trump says it's a "Chinese virus", I also know a bunch of dummies who think Asia is one giant country and that all Asians or Chinese all stick together (they don't) will feel justified about harassing some poor old man or girl of Asian ethnicity in public (e.g., anybody who looks like they can't fight back.)

Anyway, I am grateful for all the other Americans out there who just continue being their decent selves.  There are also total strangers out there who seem like they are making an effort to be friendly to me these days, smiling and waving more than they used to, and I appreciate it.

Like everyone else, I hope this over soon. And safety for everyone at risk from the virus. I've wanted to volunteer too but not sure how people feel about someone Asian showing up to their door. Like I said, it's been strange times!

My brief foray into the stock market

So a few weeks ago I had a burning desire to understand the stock market, namely in the buying and selling of options. Like most people, I could sense there was going to be a huge downturn ahead due to panic over COVID. Since I know very little about puts and calls (short-term ways to bet on whether stocks would rise or fall), I tried out a simulator on Investopedia.com in order to educate myself. The Investopedia simulator follows the ACTUAL stock market, so whatever you invest with your fake dollars will reflect what you would have earned or lost in real time.

Within three days I made $20,000 off of my $3000 simulated investment. Full of bravado at this point, I debated whether I should start investing with actual dollars.

After a lot of hemming and hawing, I decided against it.

Why?

• OBSESSIVENESS. Because during those 3 intense days of day trading, I found myself checking the DOW every 5-10 minutes. I had no life outside of this. While I was working, eating, or in the bathroom I'd check the market. I'd check it after walking the dogs a mile, before I walked them back.
• EGO. I would start yelling every time my trades showed profit and scream "I'M A GENIUS!!!" at my husband in the other room. Mostly joking, but not really. I could feel my ego growing in sync with my Investopedia account. Who cares how insufferable I've become!? After all, I could be a bonafide financial guru!
• DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIPS. My husband actually banned me from discussing the stock market with him after the first day. It was all I talked about. I don't think he's fully recovered yet.

If I was already this wound up after 3 days of pretend money, what was I going to be like playing with real money? For the sake of my sanity (and perhaps my marriage), I decided to drop the whole endeavor, and just stick to my regularly scheduled program of long-term retirement contributions.

I don't even know why I got so obsessed. I'm fortunate enough not to need the money desperately right now. Any money I would have made wouldn't have really changed our lives at all, since I would have never have bet huge amounts of money in the first place. But the bigger issue is: I just can't seem to play the market without becoming, in essence, a crazy person.

Maybe one day I'll be able to play stocks with detachment. As for now, I'm watching the day-to-day volatility with interest but staying far away.

Do You Ever Feel Like You Have Too Many Interests, and Other Ramblings

Note: this is long and rambly due to having typed this up in the middle of the night

THE DILETTANTE

Do you ever feel like you have too many interests? Right now I'm interested in:

• meditation
• trying the sport of paddleball
• playing the ukulele
• learning more about the stock market
• physics
• using the digital drawing tools for my iPad
• programming in Python

I'm finding I want to do everything, learn everything, but don't seem to have the time to do it.

It's a fun problem to have, I think. In the past, there were periods when I was uninterested in anything, when I was most likely depressed. 

Things are very good these days.  It's not about the outside, but what's going on within. I am learning everything will change, transform, and disappear eventually. What am I saying...it's happening now, as I type this.  

I know it's odd to say "I am learning" this very obvious fact of life, but I don't think it really "registered" with me in a way that was real until recently. I'm a late bloomer.

So yes, things change. May I be able to roll with the punches when they do.

***

THE TERRIBLE FORTIES

Incidentally, I'm near the age that is supposedly the UNHAPPIEST age according to some survey. What age, you ask? Forty-seven.

Of course, I don't REALLY believe 47 is the most miserable age. Well, I do and I don't. I do because this is when a lot of women can get perimenopausal/menopausal. The hormones shift and no small percentage of women report they are often feeling intensely sad, exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed, angry, paranoid, anxious, etc. "I don't remember feeling this crazy since I was a teen", is what I'll hear. This is on top of all the physical changes of wrinkling, greying, hot flashes, insomnia, bathroom issues, weight gain, etc. etc. 

As for myself, I think this shift began for me 2-3 years ago (still going through it now). I credit meditation (and a patient husband) for helping me through the rollercoaster thus far. It's why I started and stuck with it to begin with. Yay for suffering? The great motivator?

So I can definitely believe that 47--around the time of "the shift", can be a very trying period (pun unintended!) 

And a lot of men are unhappy around this time as well. My belief is that it might also have to do with THEIR changing hormonal levels; namely the decline in testosterone.

And usually this is all under the challenging specter of the mid-life/existential crisis. And a time when our parents begin having health issues as well. Fun stuff.

I'm not going to expect things will get necessarily get "better" after 47 though, despite what the survey says. Nobody knows what will happen. To this body. To family. To friends. To this society. To this world. The only thing I can hope for is cultivating the right attitude and state of mind to deal with whatever comes my way, good or bad. That's the most important goal I foresee...at least it seems to me...right now. Will this goal change tomorrow? In a year? I don't know.

***

ADVENTURES IN SITTING

I was trying Shikantaza meditation the other day, on my husband's recommendation. That's a type of meditation where the object is to sit. Yep, that's all there is to it. Just sitting. It's actually harder to do than it sounds.

After I sat with some difficulty for 45 minutes, I asked, "so what's the point of all this? What is this supposed to do?" 

My husband replied, "To make you stop asking those kinds of questions."