And It Goes On

Not really any pressing news here. For a homebody like myself, COVID hasn't changed the routine all that much.

Have been on kick of getting my habits in order. For 49 days I kept a couple of index cards of habits I wanted to work on (exercise, only eating sweets once a week, sleeping without any devices around me) and I would cross them off every day. Half of them fell to the wayside (sweets got me early on, haha), but the other half (exercise, flossing, meditating, etc.) show numerous X's...showing I was committed.

Now I floss out of habit. Pretty amazing, huh?

I've started another set of index cards to continue building these routines. The intention is that they'll become so ingrained in my life, I won't have to think twice about doing them.

Meditation has been interesting. Have been doing an array of different types every day--this patchwork quilt of practices would probably be frowned on by any teacher, haha.

I had, at some point, an experience that has been the whole object of meditation for a while now, where one sees "the self", or what is thought of, at least conventionally, as the self, as an illusion. Some people call this the awakening experience (an unnecessarily fanciful term!), or stream entry, though it's tough to say for sure since it's something that can only be verified over time. Regardless, just having the glimpse was so interesting. And funny. It was realizing one has carried around "the self" on one's back one's entire life, when it is entirely not needed to live life. I could not stop laughing the night of that particular "glimpse".

After that, everything began unfolding like people said it would. Life just happens. And without the "I" saying "what about me, me, me, me" incessantly in the background. There was more stuff that happened but I can't quite describe it without sounding like a maniac.

One of the meditation practices that pointed the way has been a method called "direct inquiry", where one is asked a specific question. The meditation follows from there. Loch Kelly is an instructor who teaches one type of inquiry. This is one of his guided meditations, which has helped some people  experience a "glimpse" of the nature of what some call the "true self", without the problem-solving "I" constantly in the way.  https://insighttimer.com/lochkelly/guided-meditations/no-problem-to-solve.

Sikhs Inspiring Again

I have complained earlier about being an Asian person in the time of the virus. I have complained about being mistaken for Chinese, while not being Chinese myself.

Recently, I watched this clip from the Daily Show, about Sikhs being mistaken for Muslims. Individual Sikhs have sadly been attacked and killed ever since 9-11. Of course, the irony in this historically Sikhs and Muslims have battled against each other in the past, and Sikhs have also been targeted by Islamic terrorist groups.

Despite that fact, they are not overly invested in trying to distinguish themselves from Muslims to escape Islamaphobia. They refuse to "throw Muslims under the bus." This clip is meant to be comedy, but Sikhs are often like this in real life. It's shown me how I want to approach things in the future when it comes to issues like this one.

https://youtu.be/RskvZgc_s9g?t=228

"Even if it means things are harder for us, we believe it's the right thing to do."

What I'm Up To

These days I'm just trying to keep up good habits, and work on decreasing old ones.

Among those habits is a mantra meditation session in the morning. I have no idea what it's supposed to "do", but I'm committed to doing it at least a month since I've been told not to expect overnight magic. My throat gets pretty tired after repeating "om mani padme hum" after 30 minutes. There is a moment after my sessions when I feel "different", but it quickly disappears when I resume my daily activities. Perhaps this is why people become actual monks. It's very hard to maintain a certain level of awareness while engaged in the normal layperson's life.

Another thing I'm doing is trying dream yoga, based on trying to do something else outside of browsing my phone every night. The addiction got pretty bad as I've been obsessed with virus news. I figured I would try to make sleep more interesting, so I got a book on Dream Yoga. Observations:

1. As soon as I stopped looking at my phone every night before bed, I started remembering my dreams again.
2. My first dream after picking up the book was one where I was dating some random man. Except in my dream, I could not remember the man's name. So I went through a file cabinet trying to suss out what his name was, too ashamed to ask him directly. He ended up catching me in the act, and I made up some lie about needing to find an old resume. If this sounds familiar, it was because it was a plot almost straight out of a Seinfeld episode. When sleeping, I apparently just copy the plots of television shows. 

Sikhs in NY prepare over 30K free meals during the pandemic

https://www.upworthy.com/sikhs-prepare-meals-for-quarantined

I lived with a Sikh family briefly many years ago. They were kind and generous, often inviting me to dinner. Most people who know Sikhs say they are gentle and upstanding without exception.

What little I know of their religion is that they study a book written by their saints and founders several hundred years ago. This holy scripture, known as the Guru Granth Sahib, is considered the authority on their religion. Sikhs do not have people they consider priests or gurus per se--all humans, Sikh or not, are considered equal and no one holds authority over another. All people reflect, or have within them, godliness, or the potential for it.

Serving others (sewa) is a central practice of their religion. Their temples regularly provide food for anybody who is hungry, Sikhi or not.

During this pandemic, it's always inspiring to hear about people doing good!

No Man's Land

As an Asian American living in the U.S., it's a real strange time to exist right now. And if you've been critical of both the Chinese government and Trump, it's like there is no place for you. You get accused of being unpatriotic towards the U.S. or racist against the Chinese. This is both funny and sad, and indicative that people can no longer seem to have a nuanced opinion on things because people are so hell-bent on sticking you in some sort of category, or ideological tribe. But maybe this is just online culture. I sure hope so!

In day to day life, you'll see that people are visibly afraid or wary of you. I had one cashier look like she nearly had a heart attack when I approached her line. I felt so bad I wanted to turn around and go to a different one, but not sure which cashier would have reacted differently. Should I have held up my hands and said "I come in peace...without Corona?" Which is funny because I've probably travelled less than the average American.

If you're an Asian in a place with low diversity, you'll feel a little like a pariah right now. There have been plenty of reports around the world where violence has broken out against Asians. Recently some guy stabbed an Asian-looking man and his kid, who couldn't have been more than 8 or 9, in Texas, inside of a store.

In sum, if you're Asian, you may feel more concerned with getting harassed (or attacked on public transportation) than getting the actual virus, though that's a concern too.

The irritating thing is that I (along with many other Asians) have been super critical of the Chinese government, both now and in the past. Many of their government's questionable policies have affected the rest of the world, including my own country of origin (I'm not Chinese), and of course there is the issue of the policies they inflict against their own people. So when Trump says this is a "Chinese virus", I understand because I know he's saying it in part to deflect the vile accusations going around that the virus is actually American in origin. On the other hand, when Trump says it's a "Chinese virus", I also know a bunch of dummies who think Asia is one giant country and that all Asians or Chinese all stick together (they don't) will feel justified about harassing some poor old man or girl of Asian ethnicity in public (e.g., anybody who looks like they can't fight back.)

Anyway, I am grateful for all the other Americans out there who just continue being their decent selves.  There are also total strangers out there who seem like they are making an effort to be friendly to me these days, smiling and waving more than they used to, and I appreciate it.

Like everyone else, I hope this over soon. And safety for everyone at risk from the virus. I've wanted to volunteer too but not sure how people feel about someone Asian showing up to their door. Like I said, it's been strange times!

My brief foray into the stock market

So a few weeks ago I had a burning desire to understand the stock market, namely in the buying and selling of options. Like most people, I could sense there was going to be a huge downturn ahead due to panic over COVID. Since I know very little about puts and calls (short-term ways to bet on whether stocks would rise or fall), I tried out a simulator on Investopedia.com in order to educate myself. The Investopedia simulator follows the ACTUAL stock market, so whatever you invest with your fake dollars will reflect what you would have earned or lost in real time.

Within three days I made $20,000 off of my $3000 simulated investment. Full of bravado at this point, I debated whether I should start investing with actual dollars.

After a lot of hemming and hawing, I decided against it.

Why?

• OBSESSIVENESS. Because during those 3 intense days of day trading, I found myself checking the DOW every 5-10 minutes. I had no life outside of this. While I was working, eating, or in the bathroom I'd check the market. I'd check it after walking the dogs a mile, before I walked them back.
• EGO. I would start yelling every time my trades showed profit and scream "I'M A GENIUS!!!" at my husband in the other room. Mostly joking, but not really. I could feel my ego growing in sync with my Investopedia account. Who cares how insufferable I've become!? After all, I could be a bonafide financial guru!
• DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIPS. My husband actually banned me from discussing the stock market with him after the first day. It was all I talked about. I don't think he's fully recovered yet.

If I was already this wound up after 3 days of pretend money, what was I going to be like playing with real money? For the sake of my sanity (and perhaps my marriage), I decided to drop the whole endeavor, and just stick to my regularly scheduled program of long-term retirement contributions.

I don't even know why I got so obsessed. I'm fortunate enough not to need the money desperately right now. Any money I would have made wouldn't have really changed our lives at all, since I would have never have bet huge amounts of money in the first place. But the bigger issue is: I just can't seem to play the market without becoming, in essence, a crazy person.

Maybe one day I'll be able to play stocks with detachment. As for now, I'm watching the day-to-day volatility with interest but staying far away.

Do You Ever Feel Like You Have Too Many Interests, and Other Ramblings

Note: this is long and rambly due to having typed this up in the middle of the night

THE DILETTANTE

Do you ever feel like you have too many interests? Right now I'm interested in:

• meditation
• trying the sport of paddleball
• playing the ukulele
• learning more about the stock market
• physics
• using the digital drawing tools for my iPad
• programming in Python

I'm finding I want to do everything, learn everything, but don't seem to have the time to do it.

It's a fun problem to have, I think. In the past, there were periods when I was uninterested in anything, when I was most likely depressed. 

Things are very good these days.  It's not about the outside, but what's going on within. I am learning everything will change, transform, and disappear eventually. What am I saying...it's happening now, as I type this.  

I know it's odd to say "I am learning" this very obvious fact of life, but I don't think it really "registered" with me in a way that was real until recently. I'm a late bloomer.

So yes, things change. May I be able to roll with the punches when they do.

***

THE TERRIBLE FORTIES

Incidentally, I'm near the age that is supposedly the UNHAPPIEST age according to some survey. What age, you ask? Forty-seven.

Of course, I don't REALLY believe 47 is the most miserable age. Well, I do and I don't. I do because this is when a lot of women can get perimenopausal/menopausal. The hormones shift and no small percentage of women report they are often feeling intensely sad, exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed, angry, paranoid, anxious, etc. "I don't remember feeling this crazy since I was a teen", is what I'll hear. This is on top of all the physical changes of wrinkling, greying, hot flashes, insomnia, bathroom issues, weight gain, etc. etc. 

As for myself, I think this shift began for me 2-3 years ago (still going through it now). I credit meditation (and a patient husband) for helping me through the rollercoaster thus far. It's why I started and stuck with it to begin with. Yay for suffering? The great motivator?

So I can definitely believe that 47--around the time of "the shift", can be a very trying period (pun unintended!) 

And a lot of men are unhappy around this time as well. My belief is that it might also have to do with THEIR changing hormonal levels; namely the decline in testosterone.

And usually this is all under the challenging specter of the mid-life/existential crisis. And a time when our parents begin having health issues as well. Fun stuff.

I'm not going to expect things will get necessarily get "better" after 47 though, despite what the survey says. Nobody knows what will happen. To this body. To family. To friends. To this society. To this world. The only thing I can hope for is cultivating the right attitude and state of mind to deal with whatever comes my way, good or bad. That's the most important goal I foresee...at least it seems to me...right now. Will this goal change tomorrow? In a year? I don't know.

***

ADVENTURES IN SITTING

I was trying Shikantaza meditation the other day, on my husband's recommendation. That's a type of meditation where the object is to sit. Yep, that's all there is to it. Just sitting. It's actually harder to do than it sounds.

After I sat with some difficulty for 45 minutes, I asked, "so what's the point of all this? What is this supposed to do?" 

My husband replied, "To make you stop asking those kinds of questions."

The Holy Man and the Waterfall

Recently I've felt this tremendous pressure between my eyes while meditating. Apparently it's a common issue but the advice on alleviating it ranges from "learn to accept it and continue your practice" to "stop immediately and do something else." Ah, the endless and contradictory wisdom of the internet.

So I've taken a break, just to be safe. My sis said that area between the eyes is a "chakra point." I asked her what that meant and what I can do about it, and she said she has no idea. Haha, oh well!

In any case, until I find a teacher who knows what's up, I'm continuing to read through my Ram Dass book and explore other types of meditation practices.

Dass's book "Journey of Awakening", which provides instructions on many different styles of meditation, is also peppered with stories and bits of wisdom from sources ranging far and wide, including the Christian, Hindu, Taoist, Sufi, Buddhist.

I particularly loved this excerpt, a passage from The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna. It shows, among other things, that meditation doesn't have to be limited to the act of sitting down and focusing on your breath: (parentheses added for clarity)

There is a sadhu (holy man) in Hrishikesh who gets up early in the morning and stands near a great waterfall. He looks at it the whole day and says to God: "Ah, You have done well! Well done! How amazing!" He doesn't practice any other form of japa (mantra) or austerity. At night he returns to his hut.

How simple. Some would call the above a silly and wasted day, but I can't imagine a day more beautiful or lovely.

Ranting about Alcohol

One of my goals this year is to be more accepting of people. As if on cue, within a few weeks I realized pretty quickly where I draw a hard line...

I can't stand drunks.

The only way I can tolerate drunkenness is if I get drunk myself. And I've acquired a distaste for alcohol so that's not gonna happen any time soon.

I think about somebody like Christ, looking out at all his followers. Loving the prostitutes and lepers and outcasts of society. For some reason this seems significantly easier to me than accepting and loving drunks. Maybe Jesus loved them, but from afar. Like arm's length.

By "drunks", I don't necessarily mean alcoholics. Alcoholics are people who are struggling with a difficult issue.

I mean people, alcoholic or not, who are actually drunk in the moment. In a way, I feel like "they" (the drunk person) doesn't even exist, and I'm wasting time interacting with them. Because I'm actually interacting with a bottle of vodka, not an actual person.

I've worked in the hospitality industry and have had to deal with a lot of drunkenness. This is partly where my bias comes from. I've also dealt with a lot of people who were high from weed.

I tell ya, I LOVED people who were high. At least they didn't start fights, usually tipped well and weren't aggressive. They were also respectful.  In contrast, I really, REALLY did not like serving people who were wasted.

Documentary: Quark Science

Started watching a BBC series on Quark Science. The first episode ("Everything and Nothing") was amazing. It goes over how various people through the ages discovered, among many, many other things, the immense size of the universe and how the Big Bang theory came about.

It really highlights how our universe is such a gargantuan, strange, bewildering, and often times surreal place, on the level of a Dali painting. And how intensely clever and diligent the scientists were who discovered the knowledge we have today. And I don't know what's more fascinating--the actual discoveries or how the discoveries were made.

I learned so much from this episode, and am looking forward to watching the rest.

Some of it's available on youtube. The entire series is available through Amazon Prime.

 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CTFML98

Ram Dass: Journey of Awakening

Just finished this book from Ram Dass. Compared to the sometimes maddeningly esoteric "Be Here Now"--the book for which he is most famous, "Journey of Awakening: A Meditator's Guidebook" is surprisingly straightforward and wonderfully easy to read. I've been trying to meditate seriously for almost a year now, and while books like "The Mind Illuminated" and going on a Vipassana retreat were transformative,  Ram Dass brings "everything together" in a way I haven't seen in other books that cover meditation.

It's the single best introductory book on meditation I've ever encountered. Ram Dass very succinctly covers the reasons for meditating, how meditating fits in the broader context of life, and provides instructions for different practices.

Thank you Ram Dass for writing this fantastic book! I'm reading my library copy twice, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. I may have to purchase it to keep as a reference.

Moving Forward

So it took me 2 weeks to (mostly) recover from the flu. Hurrah!

I haven't been meditating like I regularly did last year. For the past few weeks, I've noticed the difference. I've been starting to feel stressed out. My mind has been running with all sorts of anxious thoughts.

So I decided to start my regular sits again. I did a 45 minute sit yesterday and the effect was almost immediate. It was as if the problems I thought I had vanished into thin air.

Again, it's not that meditating "fixed" any of those problems. It's more like after 45 minutes of focusing on my breath, I stepped away feeling the things I thought were problems weren't actually problems at all.

For a worrier like me, this is a pretty neat trick.

The Magic of Editing

Still recuperating from the flu. Spent most of this morning browsing a forum that compares instagram posts to reality. As most everybody who has used the web knows--which is pretty much everybody at this point--the stuff we see online is often filtered and photoshopped and edited. Even the video editing is quite spectacular now using free phone apps. You can edit out someone's wrinkles or bulges, make their nose slimmer or their chin smaller. Popular options are tinier waists, bigger butts, almost invisible noses, and artificially-smooth skin.

You can can get phone apps that record you and edit out anything you like in real time. You can get fuller hair, a more chiseled face, even add makeup to your moving visage.

What really got me was this little technique, as demonstrated (inadvertently?) by this instagrammer. You might not see it at first...but....

So apparently there are filters for landscapes too. Empty blue sky? BOOOORING! Who needs it. Spice it up with a cloud or two.

Sick

Hacking cough all last night. Looks like I have the flu. My body is aching all over. Have never tried flu shots but am considering it since I see my friend and her infant every so often. It seem this correlated with getting sick more often, since we'll often be surrounded by kids. And a day or twofer seeing her, I've found myself coming down with something. But then I read flu shots only work less than half the time, so don't know if it's worth it.

Spending the day reading Ram Dass's "Be Here Now." I read it a long time ago but didn't understand most of it. After starting a meditation practice last year, I'm more familiar with the concepts now.

Th evening was spent watching Jeopardy Greatest Of All Time. These guys are amazing. The speed at which they answered every question was stunning.

I definitely have lost my ability to recall names these days...I feel like I've forgotten the name of so many celebrities, both past and present. I've reached the age where there are tons of new faces and I have no idea who anybody is.

I don't mind though. I agree with Nietzsche. As he philosophized, happy is she who has a short memory.

I guess I should be in bliss!

I recall(haha) a podcast about people with hyperthymesia--the ability to remember the minutest details of their lives. You could ask them what they were doing at 2pm on July 2, 1983 and they could give you an answer. What struck me is that these people often had a high rate of depression.

Why

1) ...do my dogs like to sniff each other's nether regions when one of them is drinking water?

It seems so very impolite.


2) Do commercials like to feature doorbells ringing? Are they actually doing this on purpose, knowing our dogs will start barking their heads off every time it happens? Because it's gotten to the point we're starting to write a list of companies we'll never patronize due to how their commercials set off our dogs, haha.

Reflecting on Habits: Lessons from Dog Walking

Every day my husband and I walk our dogs on an off-leash trail.

We often run into two different owners on our walks.

One of them has a German Shepard that's been prone to attacking certain dogs on sight, including our own. I'll refer to this dog as "Big Lucy."

The other has a smaller mix that's also prone to attacking our dogs. I'll refer to this dog as "Little Lucy."

LITTLE LUCY 

After the first attack, Little Lucy's owner has since put her on leash. Now when we encounter them, he stops on the side of the path to watch us pass.

I can feel the tension building as we'd walk by. He tells her to sit.  So she sits and watches us... UNTIL she sees the backs of our dogs. Then, without fail, she springs into action, lunging towards them, snarling. The leash holds her back. Her owner scolds her.

This has been going on for over a year now, and hasn't changed. At some level, I feel like the owner has been inadvertently training the dog to attack dogs on sight. He doesn't mean to obviously, but the repetition of the behavior has only reinforced it over time.

BIG LUCY 

Big Lucy's owner had a similar approach, at first.  Whenever we encountered them, he would drag Big Lucy by the collar, off into the bushes, and wait for us to pass. You could feel the tension in the air as we walked by. Big Lucy would lunge and snarl.

For a few weeks, we didn't see Big Lucy's owner (he was probably walking her earlier or later in the day.) When we saw him next, I expected yet another tense encounter, but instead, I noticed Big Lucy had a big ol' stick in her mouth. Big Lucy's owner would toss it as we approached. Big Lucy, too engrossed with the stick, would ignore our dogs. Occasionally she might give them a glimpse, but the stick was far more enticing to pursue than our dogs.

She hasn't been aggressive towards our dogs since.

CHANGING HABITS

I think this is a good illustration of how it's often easier to DO something than NOT DO something. And that if we have a bad habit we'd like to break, it's easier to replace it with another activity whenever the urge arises, than simply say "don't do this."

I don't think we're that different than dogs. Aside from the butt sniffing thing.

Love

I had an experience recently that made me think one can either love everything and everyone, or nothing or no-one. There is no pick and choose.

I don't know if this is true for everyone, but it felt true within. Love can't have barriers. I can't say I love this person and this person, or this thing and that thing only, but not that person nor that person. And not that thing.

I don't have many spiritual experiences in my life, but it was like someone/something just told me "Duh! Didn't you know that?" And laughed.

I've always been on the slower side. During our white elephant game this Christmas I selected the "gag" gift even though I had seen it actually being put in its box earlier that evening. I had just forgotten.

May your 2020 be filled with the experience of boundless and endless love.

Ram Dass RIP

When I was younger Ram Dass was one of those names I'd always been vaguely aware of. We even have a copy of Be Here Now (my husband's), something we've owned for over 20 years. I remember perusing it when I was younger, not quite "getting it" and wondering if my lack of psychedelic drug use was what was keeping me from fully understanding its message.

20 years later I was reintroduced to him via the documentaries "Going Home" (his life in Maui after his stroke) and "Dying to Know"(which covers his history with Timothy Leary.) Older now (though I doubt I'm wiser!) his messages of love and being have much more resonance with me.

Fascinating life and human being.

Last night I watched this interview between him and Ekhart Tolle below. It's fairly long (partly due to the fact Ram speaks slowly now due to his stroke.)

So grateful that so much of his work is preserved in video, book, and of course in the many, many people who have been influenced by his teachings.

Starting 2020 with A Course In Miracles

I saw mention of this on another blog and was intrigued.

I'm not Christian but am fascinated with how the exercises and viewpoints in ACIM are similar (though not identical) to viewpoints you'll find in Buddhism, Sikhi, Sufism etc.

So I tried the first lesson for students and am thinking of trying a lesson for the rest of the year.

It's interesting hearing the terms of God, the Son, and the Holy Spirit crop up again in my areligious life, but as I've explored it seems like many paths embrace common themes. Oneness with everything, self-transcendence, the idea of the ego as our primary illusion-maker, doing nothing, etc.

The exercises seem easy and brief enough that it seems like it requires no huge commitment. I did look at some of the later exercises and it seemed like they had a lot of Biblical terminology. I'm told they symbolize something different than what's originally taught in church, but I guess we'll see.